Better to have loved and lost than…

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to never have loved at all….

This is a good saying.  I agree.  Except it really does suck when it happens and happens…and happens….

But then, maybe the loves that I’ve had didn’t really know I loved them?  Or maybe they did and didn’t care.  Or maybe they just weren’t the right guy.  How many times have I told myself that one?

Ever just wanted to kick yourself? or call a Mulligan?

Have you ever just been angry, or had those moments of anger when you realize that you liked someone, put in the time to get to know them, and then someone else arrives on the scene and has the guts enough to just step on out there and go after the person you like.  Of course that person get’s the guy (or gal) because I suppose they were brave.  They took the risk, they didn’t spend time thinking too much, or being careful, cautious and slow about getting to know the person.  That boldness can be more attractive to guys too.

This has happened to me many times.  It makes me mad.  Damn it.  It never seems to matter that I put in the work, the time and the care to get to know someone.  All of a sudden there’s that girl that comes along that is just so cool, crazy and cute that waltzes right in and takes over, while I stand there dumbfounded.

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I thought the guy liked me too.  I thought that we were building something, a friendship and then more, rather than more, then the friendship.  I thought that it was obvious that I liked him, but weeks, months and sometimes years later, I find out that he wasn’t really sure what I was thinking.  All my actions that seemed obvious to me were really ambiguous or too cautious and thus not clear. Of course I could say the same about the guy’s actions too.

Guys just aren’t that complicated

Guy friends remind me all the time that they are dumb, or just simple and they need to be hit over the head.  Over the years I feel like I’ve gotten bolder. With each guy I think, yep this time I’m getting it right. I’m more confident and bold.  Then it happens again and I realize, nope still not overt enough.

I am really sick and tired of coming in second.  Most of the time I tell myself, it wasn’t meant to be. Or, the reason why I hung back was because I could sense the guy wasn’t ready for me.  He had just gotten out of a relationship, or was still kind of hung up on the previous gal.  Really not good to be the rebound girl.  That doesn’t work.  Been there. Let some other girl do that and train the guy, so that for once in my life I get him when he’s ready for someone for real.  Someone real like me.

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Then there are days or weeks like this one where I just feel irritated.  I see that the guy I like and think that we’d really be great together, is still with that other gal.  Thought it would be over months ago, but it’s not.  Damn it.  Then I recall the patterns in my life.  I think back to times when this has happened in the past and realize it goes back as far as high school.  [Insert Charlie Brown-like aaarrgh! like when Lucy tricks him with the football.]

How is it that I have the guts and confidence and gumption to be the head cheerleader, the yearbook editor, and then break into tv production with a bunch of good old boys in college.  Then I move to Washington, DC  where I eventually lead a national media campaign, and then drive myself and my dogs all the way to Alaska and back, by myself.  Now I travel to Hawaii and I run a shop and yada yada yada on down the line.  BUT, I can’t seem to take hold of that guy I like so much and say, “look right here! This gal is something special and not to be missed!”  Why am I so fearless in all of those other instances that scare most other people wit-less (or worse) and yet grabbing hold of  “that guy” scares me to death?

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AAUgh, I could scream.  I want to kick that other girl to the curb, and the guy in the ass.  But, there is that part of me that says, no be patient.  She is a nice gal, but is not the one, and eventually we both will be in the right place at the right time and the friendship and work will not be for naught.  Still patience has always been hard for me. My mind works up all kinds of scenarios as to what is happening at each stage of their relationship as time goes by.  That is also a product of fear.  When my rational brain takes over I realize that even when I look back to my own relationships even as time goes by and events occur, it didn’t mean that I was any more serious about that guy than when we first got together. Sometimes you are just having fun or passing time as long as it doesn’t get too heavy. So, just let it be.

The new bolder me

Anyway…this past couple of weeks the frustration has gotten to me I guess.  It has made me do some pretty overt things that I’ve not done before.  And, because I survived these silly things I’ve done I think I’ve grown to realize that it’s o.k. to be overt. Guys seem to understand, at least the good ones.

Last week I was planning to go see an old flame, use some frequent flier miles, and have a long needed weekend of “cuddling” by the fire.  A bit of fun with no strings.  The one thing I remember most about this person was that “cuddling” was awesome, but we aren’t likely to go the distance in any other type of relationship.  Well, it didn’t happen.  The guy is still as immature and unreliable as when we first dated and so weekend cancelled.  Damn.

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With certain frustration built-up I searched my brain for someone I could call who would be mature enough to understand and safe enough to join me in some silliness.  I did something I have never done in my life, sober or otherwise.  I called up a guy and propositioned him.  Just matter of fact.  I really did not care what anyone thought, that guy or me.  I had finally reached a point in my life where damn it, I was just going to ask for what I want and not be ashamed, self-conscious or embarrassed.   Turns out the guy was flattered, and taken completely off guard, but not in a position to accept…right now. Damn it.  His living situation is a bit complicated currently and so I understood he was sincere. He was great about it.  We laughed and when I hung up the phone I felt o.k.  I felt empowered.  I felt bold and proud of myself.  Then a couple of minutes later, the guy calls me back and says, “I just want you to know that I really need a cold shower right now.”  and we laughed again and hung up.  I went home giggling and smiling to myself for hours.

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Then a few days ago I was at a fundraiser in town and I spotted a guy that I had not seen before.  He was bartending at this low key event.  I went up and talked to him.  I asked him a few things to get the conversation going and invited him to stop by my shop.  I later asked someone who works for the resort whether he has a girlfriend.  They said he did not, and was a teacher in town and he worked the resort only once or twice a week just for the ski pass.  Nice, not your typical resort employee.

The point…

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So the point of all this rambling.  I may not be able to be with the guy I really think I am meant to be with right now, but I am at least growing in confidence.  Even if this growth is due to some pent up frustration, at least I am being a lot more proactive. Maybe then the next time I’m in a situation where I like a guy and feel it’s mutual, I will step up.  I will be the one that gets her man and not some other gal who comes late to the party with more balls under her skirt than me.